The official race commentary has now been published. It truly does capture what was a great day out in Windsor. Thanks to Jamie for the words….
All,
So finally it happened, 9 months in the making, thousands of pounds invested, tens of thousands of hours invested in turning weak bodies into contours of steel. June 16th was the Windsor Triathlon.
Firstly I should introduce the ‘athletes’
Kirby ‘secret agent’ Duggan, she trains in secret, an unknown quantity that only lets slip the commitment she has thrown into this event. Multiple training sessions per day, some at the crack of dawn, some last thing at night. Is she the ultimate Gender Bender? Wanted to embarrass the boys her motivation is unweilding. She has nothing to lose but everything to gain.
Oz ‘the cat’ Nico Annan, while he may be a descendant of Kofi he has no interest in peace keeping. All-out war has been his motto, flexing his biceps round the office, buying bigger shirts to make it look like he has slimmed down. However I would have invested in some Cuban heels to make him look like a normal sized boy. He has sports background that must make him a serious contender…..on Land! He is ‘the cat’ for one reason, 3 weeks prior to this he embarrassed himself only a few miles from the Thames. 80m into the swim he had to give up, cry on the bank and have a full ‘tanty’ on the side. If he survives the swim he will win. If he does not make land he will be food for the swans.
Jamie ‘the veteran’ Andreae – Age is against him in the current field, he has eaten like a champ and trained like a loser. While he has a few physical advantages over his competitors, a huge schlong is just something else to have to lumber round the course. He wants to win but is counting on experience to maintain a solid performance and hoping ‘the cat’ drowns and immigration pick up ‘the secret agent’ following an anonymous tip she was dealing drugs to kids, made the night before…
***For the purposes of this next section I am going to narrate based on we all set off together.***
Race day 4.45am. Alarms go off in the rooms 3 very focussed individuals. It is game time, no retreat no surrender.
Andreae wakes up shadow boxing to Rocky IV soundtrack, knowing that anything is possible. K Dugz has a tear as she has her national anthem going, thinking how even criminals can prosper. Oz shakes his a*s to the cheeky girls wondering how so much talent had such a short career.
As the three converge on transition area, over the river, a batch of hungry looking swans see Oz and think …. Breakfast!
Wetsuits are donned and Andreae has bought more kit, if money spent helped win a race he would only need to turn up. Oz & K Dugz have gone down the training route, losers.
Nerves are palpable as the three enter the river, it is not too cold but putting your head underwater sends the heart rate soaring for all three. This is not going to be an easy swim with a strong current in the middle of the channel. Good tactics is to go to the far side of the bank up 900m and then enjoy the current pushing you back on the remaining 600m.
7am and the horn goes, what can only be described a cacophony of arms, legs, body parts churn the water like 100 washing machines. Some people scream as the race is over before it even starts. Luckily our three competitors are still surviving and have moved off before the swans pick off the injured and the weak.
Andreae has thrown himself into the middle of the maelstrom, knowing he needs to build a lead on the swim, maintain it on the run and then just hold off the other two on the run. Kirby, a competent swimmer but Virgin Openwater is finding going a hard slog, Oz is not drowning but already is lagging behind the pack.
At the turn Andreae has a healthy lead but having found himself in the middle channel his progress has been slower than hoped. A lead is still a lead and can see Kirby not too far behind. The pleasant surprise is to see Oz swimming head first into the bank. He stands up and a particularly vicious swan makes a move. Oz drowns the beast and lets out a blood curdling roar. His Swan demons have been put to rest and he is free to complete the rest of the swim. He has lost a huge amount of time on the other two.
Into T1 and Andreae has held his lead, he is on the bike and out of transition just as Kirby coming into transition. Oz is floundering but is going to finish. As Kirby works through transition and starts on the bike she has sacrificed performance on the bike for a quick T2 transition. No cycling shoes, just trainers and toe clips, will it be a decision she regrets? Oz has made it out the water, a massive achievement. He is guaranteed to finish, the question is can he make up the difference? He speeds out of transition, but hang on, what is this? The marshals are sending him back, he has forgotten his race number. He argues with the marshal, risks an auto DQ before sprinting back to his area to retrieve, could this be the biggest mistake so far? The race is on!
Andreae needs to hold his lead and on the bike he has no idea if he is making progress on building that lead or is being caught. He has a target speed and needs to stick to it. He feels strong an could push harder but knows this will ruin any chances he has of managing the run. Kirby is starting to feel fatigued on the bike, the swim was not the pleasant experience she had hoped. To rub salt in the wound after only 7k she hears an approaching sonic boom approaching. It is 10st and 5 foot 2 of Ghanaian supremacy exploding past her. Her only hope is if she can catch Andreae slightly on the bike and hope she can destroy him on the run to avoid the wooden spoon. It is 30k before Andreae hears a similar sound, it may be Kirby but he is in no doubt it is Oz as the whoosh nearly sends him off the bike. Oz is leading, Andreae second, Kirby 3rd.
Oz gets off the bike to a crescendo of applause, he knows bar a complete breakdown and victory is his. The only question is who will finish second. Andreae comes into T2 with any hope of catching Oz firmly in the past. He wants to avoid third but suspecting Kirby is a strong runner needs to push as much as possible. A weary and tired K Dugz gets into T2, happy never to see her bike again and begins to open her stride intent on hunting down the bully that roped her into this race.
Oz is high fiving the crowd as he completes his final lap, he has become a crowd favourite as it has become apparent Triathlon is the least ethnically diverse sport in the UK. He comes over the finish line the champ. Tired but happy. Andreae and Duggan have made eye contact on the run, Andreae knows he has done enough to hold her off. Both have reached a point where walking is more common than running. Andreae finally crosses the finish like some 10 mins after Oz. Kirby finally completes the threesome. Happy to finish and looking forward to a large drink.
Onto the prize giving, as the three stand on the podium, with the Cheeky Girls singing live, as Oz is presented the winner’s trophy he looks down on his lesser foes. Problem is, even though he is at the top of the podium he realises he is still a good head shorter than Kirby and has to look up just to see Andreae’s chest.
In one last moment of Oz defiance he rips open his Tri suit to unveil a full chest piece tattoo of a lion eating a swan, the only cat that likes to swim….
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This.F*cking.Triathlon 